A Journey I Didn't Ask For

As the rain smears the ink
On the sorrowful letter in my hands
I'm too dejected to even cry
So I stare down at the sands.

Maybe not the best place to be

On the beach in a rain storm

But what's another risky move

I've never been one to conform

Perhaps that's why I found myself here

In so much trouble with other people

Well, one in particular

The mere thought of him renders me feeble.

I thought that this was my escape

A college far away

But this letter ruined that hope

And now I'll have to stay

My only other option

Is the school that he attends

And now it's four more years

The smiles I'll give must be pretend.

My mother will be proud

She liked this college less

And now they won't allow me in

I wasn't good enough I guess.

Even if I don't see him much on campus

I'll know that he is there

And thats just bad enough

Almost too much nervousness to bear.

But I will have to endure

And be brave and try to ignore

I'm sure that I'll survive

Even if it proves a chore

I'm sure that I'll be fine

And prosper well enough

He'll have to come second to glee

I'll survive; I'm tough

The Answer

A small ray of hope

But no promises pending

I'm not going to get my hopes up

As long as doubt is left contending.

I know I can live with any answer

And survive well enough

No, I'll succeed and conquer

And thrive no matter how tough

I know who to put my faith in

And it's no one here on Earth

The people here are unreliable

The world is ready for rebirth

But before I go all holy

I'll reassure you that I'm not

I'm hardly ever right, you know

I can weave a pretty complex plot

I'm imperfect and flawed

Just like every other human

I lie and cheat and covet

I almost always lack acumen

But now I'm straying from my subject

That I originally began

What I'm trying to say is hard

I won't even pretend I understand

I do not believe in coincidences

Even thought you may think that's strange

I think everything happens for a reason

And everything's subject to change.

I hate not knowing what's ahead

Or what will occur tomorrow

And that's what crazes me most

Anyone have patience I can borrow?

But I must find a way

To calm myself way down

And just trust that in time

We'll find some common ground

For now I'll be content

To wait in anxious composure

Yes I'm aware that's an oxymoron

And that's my attempt at closure

What Does One Do?

What do you do when he contacts you again?

Sending your heart aflutter.

Reminding you of your time together

And rendering you to the gutter.

As you talk to him you think

That maybe there's still a chance

Until he mentions something horrible

That crumples your confident stance.

He gave away something important

Something he can never give back

Something so valuable to a person

Something that pains you to lack.

At one time I thought it belonged to me

Only if a ring adorned my finger

But now any hope of that is completely gone

But still his face will linger.

I know it's stupid, I'm aware,

To think that he's telling the truth

That he's sorry and he cares

Even though he's usually aloof.

But maybe he is being truthful

And he still cares about me.

But I don't know what to think.

I'm left to wonder hopelessly.

I don't want his love back.

At least I don't think I do.

All I want is friendship...

That's what I'm supposed to do.

I'm to say "it's okay, don't worry"

And forgive him again, right?

Or am I to turn my back coldly

And forget him and his painful plight?

My friends tell me the latter

But what if they are wrong?

Could I possibly be passing up

The love I've wanted for so long?

I know I sound redundant

Continuously denying love

But it's true, I swear to you

Now it's just my heart I need to shove.

I must forget these silly worries

And live my day like it's my last

But if it is the last that means

We wouldn't have a chance to have a past.

Oh help me, Lord above

and show me what to do

I want you more than him

I swear these words are true.

Oh what I wouldn't give

To return to our first meeting

And turn and walk away

Make our first encounter fleeting.

There was time we loved each other

I know I did anyway

But I sometimes wonder if he loved me

Should I have kept my feelings at bay?

We don't love each other anymore

To that I do concur

But one thing I want to know

Did he really love her?

By Yours Truly

My Worlds Studies Teacher Asked Us to Write for Five Minutes About Love...This Is What I Came Up With

A strong connection
An emotional infection
A confusing puzzle
An asphyxiating muzzle
A jumble of confusion

An optical illusion

A whirlwind of choices

Good or bad? Depends on the voices

An uncomfortable situation
A web of complication
Of not knowing what to say
How to act, to leave, to stay
A tornado of conflicting messages
Where both parties hold leverages
An unbearably alluring season
A game without a reason
A heart pounding race
A reprehensible disgrace
A ruse-complied plot
The lipstick on the ascot
The rose left torn and tattered
The heart that's left embittered
The eyes that hopelessly capture
The voice that forever enraptures
The indescribable feeling of pain
When longing is all that remains
The haply meeting with smiling faces
Followed by the rendezvous in secret places
The self-control one must withhold
The origami to unfold
The night ravaged with bootless cries
The sentences overthrown with sighs
The hands that ache to touch
The dreams of carefree living crushed
The desire that consumes you
The partner incapable of staying true
The attempts at communication that are futile
The words that seem unfortunately infantile
The desperation for a cure
The motives that are secretly impure
The initials branded on memories
The unavoidable catastrophes
The awkward moments you despise
The exciting glance that sends you to the skies
The fate of average love seeming inevitable
The ending relationships most probable
Interrupted by reality
The gloomy state you're in flees
You realize that yes, I'm right beside you
Things to remember, only two
The frights and thrills of love are true
And lastly, I love you.

By Yours Truly

Decisions That May Affect the Rest of my High School Career...Oh Dear...

Today is a wonderful day. The weather is nice, my classes have been fun and interesting, I'm wearing something very comfortable, and I have the best of friends possible. I'm very excited for the weekend, however. I'm just in a wonderful mood. I love wonderful moods.

When I'm in a bad mood, my entire day is ruined. I'm angry, frustrated, or sad and that not only effects my behavior but also those around me. If I am in a bad mood, there is a good chance I'll ruin the mood of everyone else by the way I talk to them, act in front of them, or just my general disposition and unwillingness to laugh and enjoy life. But also, if I have a bad day, it will most ikely affect several more days after that while I'm dealing with the aftermath of my poor behavior and bad word choices. In any respect, bad moods are wretched.

In a sort of related topic...there is a certain matter that seems to take on a rather bipolar nature in my current life. I have two decisions. One, seems like the right course of action on some days, and the other makes more sense on opposite days. I'm just confused. These issues don't necessarily take on a concept form but rather a human one. Well...human ones. There are two different people in my web of friends that represent two different crowds. The ideal solution would be to fuse these two "cliques" together, but the nature of the people within them represent two different moods within myself that do not and cannot survive together. It's like the Pauli Exclusion Principle. No two electrons of the same nature can occupy the same orbital course. There I go with my nerdiness.

Anyway, one circle of friends is more well behaved. However, I feel less like I must try to be a part of the group. The second is a little edgier, but I feel less judged if I make a mistake than when I surround myself with the other group. I wouldn't do the things the second group indulges in, but simply being around it could influence me or get me into serious, irreversable trouble. I'm not sure...these two people, I love them both. They both are amazing individuals. Around the person from the first group, I can be myself with this person. I can laugh with this person and I have a lot in common with this person. However, sometimes this person can seem aloof...this I do not like about them. Perhaps I simply do not know them well enough to know why this happens and maybe that contributes to why I feel like there are certain things I can't talk to them about. Or maybe that's just a normal thing...that you can't talk about EVERYTHING with a certain person at the point in a friendship this person and I am at. If that makes any sense...probably not. I'm a very confusing person.

The second person, this person is also amazing. I can be my nerdy self with him as well and not feel like I have to hide the fact that I like astronomy and I'm a complete comic book nerd, like the first person. This person, UNLIKE the first, is never aloof. But the problem is, sometimes this person is so involved in my life and so interested in my life that sometimes I just want to tell them to BACK OFF! It's like sometimes they are so interested that they become nosey and annoying. I can't talk to this person about EVERYTHING either. That's my fault not either persons' fault. I'll admit, I have trust issues. I just don't know which person is best suited for me.

I desperately wish I could fuse both circles. But the two are so different and so unique and so "exclusive" that this task is seemingly impossible. I don't believe I can do it within the two more years I am provided for high school. Yes, it's that difficult.

*sits in computer chair and thinks hard for...38 minutes.*

I suppose it just comes down to who I find myself most happy around...and I believe I've made that decision.

All Fall Short

How far has humanity fallen? It's taken quite a nose dive in morality, manners, and so many other areas that used to be such a big deal.



In relationships for example have changed dramatically. Relationships used to be so innocent. Now everything is out in the open. Few if no boundaries are set people go through significant others faster than ever in history. Not that I'm one to brag, I'm most definitely NOT perfect in the least. I've made far too many mistakes to count.

The fact that I can walk down the hallways at my school and hear more profanities than I could count on both of my hands makes me sad. Probably the greatest reason I'm sad for this, is that I contribute to it. Many, many people today would say profanity isn't a very big deal, that they're just words, but that's the same as me saying, "Oh, it's only one drink," that leads to a drinking binge. The tongue is that hardest human attribute to tame. Becuase speaking comes so naturally and is something we use every minute of every day for our entire lives, we get into a habbit of just opening our mouths and letting our thoughts spew out. Now, that sounds awfully condemning and I apologize to those offended. But when I think about myself and the way I speak and carry myself, I'm ashamed.

From this moment on I shall endeavor to do better and improve myself. Only by improving myself can I improve the world and help others.

I don't want to sound arrogant or sound as though I'm perched atop my high horse, I'm simply so sick of myself and so appalled at my behavior recently that I'm making an effort to change. It will not be easy that is for sure...but I will try.

Some very adorable lyrics for my readers:

If I was a sailor I'd sail the seven seas
To tell you, "Baby, I don't want you to leave."
You see the world is such a sad place and
Without your pretty face
I'm sure it's gonna end up much worse.

And I know that you'll see someday that I can't live without you.
And I know what I say is true cuz I'm so stuck on you girl

I'm in love! from the first time I let my eyes on you
I sure do do do do do now
There's nothing I can do
I'm in love for the first time I let my lips on yours
Now you're walking out my door
and there's nothing I can do.

I'm in love with you.

"Simple Enough"- Nevershoutnever