Sand and Sea

I am in Florida. Sand, sun, surf, and sea. As I walk down the beach, as the pure white sand squishes between my toes, I see more than a million footprints. What i think about when I see them is that each set of footprints is a life...a life, a person, a soul.

Each set of footprints represents a person who breathes just like you do. A person with feelings and a mind just like you and me. That just blows my mind. I think about myself so much that when I see all those other footprints of people who are like me, I feel massive amounts of shame. Shame that I simply won't ever completely fix. It's impossible to never think about yourself, yet I feel such regret that I do. I wish I could think about myself so much less.

Another thing I've noticed about myself is my obssession with money. I'm not one of those people who is like "i need money i need money i need money." No, I'm the person who so rarely has money, so when I do, I'm selfish with it. I don't want to buy anything because I have money and that's such a rare thing! I don't know...just some things that I've been aware of and that are weighing on me.

But Florida is simply amazing. The air is warm and not humid in the least. The ocean is cool and soothing to close your eyes and listen to. The palm trees are green and exquisite. The sand is warm and white and vastly abundant. However, the jellyfish the wash up on the shore...kinda gross.

I'm here with my friend. She is very awesome. She's always up for anything and fun to be around. I'm so excited to be here :) I do not want to leave. But at the same time, I miss my friends and family at home. Love you all very much :)

Mater Dei

I wonder if people realize that you can never change a person. You yourself can never change a person no matter how hard you try. Sure, you can influence them and have an impact on the change they make, but you can never actually change someone.

Sometimes I wish adults knew that when they speak to me.

Yes I know they are just trying to influence me, but shoving their philosophy down my throat is not influencing me in a good way. If anything it influences me in a bad way. I just want to shout at them, "You telling me I'm an awful person and I can only change if I do things your way doesn't help! You're a bad person just as much as I'm a bad person."

When you say you believe one thing and live out your life differently, it has a bad effect on people. They see the hypocrisy in your life and wonder why in the world they would want to be like you. The only effective way to influence other people is to stress the fact that you're imperfect. We all are, so why pretend otherwise? It's enraging!

The other day I was at breakfast with my mother and sister at a Denny's. As we were paying, I saw a very unhappy-looking famaily. There was a mother, a father, three boys, and a girl. The mother looked tired, drained, and annoyeed. The kids looked oblivious to the mother and looked in fear at the father. And the father looked angry, unsatisfied and aloof. On the back of the father's shirt, I saw written, "I am the Devil's advocate. I am the ambassador for sin. The world bows to me and the people tremble at the sound of my voice."

The blunt teenager inside of me wants to scream at him "How lame!" Honestly? You live in a random suburb, you're middle-aged, you're slightly obese and you have four kids! How completely self-absorbed and immature must one be to even give that kind of shirt a second glance in the satan-obssessed store he bought that in.

I've noticed something that scares me to my inner being. These kinds of people are the people who continue to breed, breed, breed. The satanic, the "utterly holy" people who are crazy religious, and the idle people who do nothing and expect to leave an impact on history. These are the kinds of people who breed the most. This guy has four kids. A man I know and his wife have one and they're very lovely and smart and nice people.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, if there is no source of redemption in this horrible, messy, selfish world...

We're all screwed.

I Just...I Don't Even Know

I haven't written in a while. I'm never sure of what to write about now. The words just haven't been with me lately. I'm not sure what's been my problem lately. I've been focused on other things. I'm starting to worry about the future and relilgion and political stances and things like that.

Maybe I'm just trying to figure out who I am...

Hmmm...

Writer's block could not be more frustrating. I sit down bwith the intent of typing out some amazing, intelligent piece of writing and...nothing. How can on'es mind have absolutely nothing in it? That can't be true. There must be something going on in everyone's mind. I'm not sure if I'm making sense...but I guess the point of a blog is to make sense of the things in your mind.

Perhaps the reason I don't have a lot on my mind is because I feel no need to worry about anything at the moment. Which would be a first to be sure. I'm constantly worrying. I find that women are always worrying about something. Whether it's the report they have due in two days, the boyfriend who's losing interest, the crush who HAS NO interest, they children that haven't cleaned their room in four weeks, or the boss that keeps hastling them to turn in their data. Whatever it is, women are always worrying. Of course I can't say I have an absolute idea of how the male mind works, but I'm almost positive men don't worry as often as women.

That's another thing, all my friends that are girls have guy problems. If a girl says she doesn't have guy problems, she's lying. 99% of the time. But most of my girl friends come to me with their guy problems claiming that I completely and utterly "get guys". I'm here to confess, even though I would love to posses such knowledge, that that's not true. I hardly understand guys at all. There are certain things that I know simply because I have far too many guy friends, but I will not reveal my knowlegde for free. It costs a face-to-face conversation. But for those of my friends who think I know everything about the male population, I regret to tell you that is false.

I just realized that I began this blog having absolutely nothing to say. My mind is annoyingly inquisitive. I think my downfall will be that I am not inquisitive in class. I'm an extremely average student. I have two A's, and only one class is a core class, and that's because we're in a unit we learned last year. I'm not a great and insanely intelligent student. I just have lots of questions about people, places, and things.

All of what I know I've learned from other people. I think I gained my interest in the human mind, and how it works from my mom. She had her Ph.D. and studied psychology for God knows how long. She's most definitely the best role model a teenage girl could ask for. She's flawed, yes, but so are we all. I think the world, and espeically those know-it-all bosses of hers, have a lot to learn from my mother.

One thing I wonder about, is why some people are born so charming and smooth, and others just aren't. Is charm an inherited trait? Is it learned? I'd very much like to know. I'm a pretty awkward person when it comes to being charming. I don't try at all...which is probably where I've gone wrong. I find myself very content to just be me. That's probably horribly annoying to many people, and I probably should care what people think and not just say whatever I think when asked my opinion. Perhaps when others ask for my opinion on a matter I should hold my tongue, dial down the crazy, opinionated sarcasm, or simply warning that the following words escaping my lips may offend.

Well, whatever happens, however I behave, and whatever my mind ponders, I guess everything will play out the way it's supposed to. I wish I could say I hope all my questions in life get answered, but I simply have too many questions.

Cats the talk, smoking caterpillars, angry queens, and a worrisome rabbit

I had the oddest dream last night...and yes I realize that I am a nerd.
Well I watched the cartoon version of Alice in Wonderland because I want to go see the live action one soon and I was just in an Alice in Wonderland mood. But my dream was that I was alice. Only there was something different about Wonderland...instead of the whimsical, capricious world the Alice visits filled with strange cats that talk, smoking caterpillars, angry queens, and a worrisome rabbit, it was my version of a perfect world.

But oddly enough my dream world is a lot like Alice's. A world where the unpredictable, unimaginable and faniciful become the norm would be absolutely wonderful. Everyone seems to think that Alice was either mentally challenged or "hopped up on acid" but if you think about it, a world like Alice's is a lot more exciting and enjoyable. I'll admit, when the Red Queen wants to decapitate Alice, that wouldn't be so fun, but most of the most is quite oddly desirable.

Yes yes yes I know I'm a nerd and probably no one agrees with me, but that was my dream. I thought I'd share it with my readers. Anyone else have odd dreams?


"Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it" -The Duchess from "Alice in Wonderland"

"When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew."

Those of you who know me in depth know that I absolutely adore Shakespeare. Maybe to some of you this is news, but today I found myself being constantly reminded of that horrible, confusing, maddening, mind-boggling, wonderful thing called love. I'm not sure why...but I just constantly found myself thinking about it. No, I was not thinking of a certain male or anything, but just of love in general. I find that many of my peers have very immature views on love, not that mine are any better. I think I know what I should feel about love, but I think sometimes, most of the time, I stray from that knowledge. One thing I also found odd is that for every incident today, I thought of a Shakespearian quote.

"Love sought is good, but love unsought is better."
My friends are always preying upon those unfortunate souls within our group that are single. Not in a bad way, but in the sense that they are always finding the single ones dates or "fixing them up." My friend whom I act with was set up on a blind date by her friend. Her friend and her boyfriend would accompany them on a double date. Well, long story short, the blind date and my friend both got the numbers of the seating hostess and the waitor.

"They do not love that do not show their love."
I do agree with Shakespeare on this one. However, I also believe there are limits to what they call "PDAs" or public displays of affection. I happen to have two friends who have been dating for almost two years. That is very sweet, yes, but the fact that they are constantly all over each other in public, AND the fact that they have completely withdrawn from all of their friends, completely engulfed in each other, is simply nauseating. I would be lying if I said it didn't actually enfuriate me. What happens if they break up? they will no longer have any friends. I fear that the point will come when they stay together BECAUSE they don't have anyone else.

"The course of love did never run smooth."
Ah yes. Very true indeed. My friend has a problem with this. God love her, she has the right intensions, but something always ends up ripping her relationships apart. She dones't know what she's doing wrong. I don't mean to sound bid-headed, but I usually have good advice for people. This girl however, I can't come to a diagnosis. I maintain that it's not her fault...but why is she so unlucky in her choices of guys?


"Love comforteth like sunshine after rain."
I have a friend in my youth group who recently had a death in the family. A close relative...very beloved indeed. That is an awful thing. That was several months ago. She has been getting better and she has recently begun to date her best guy friend. He was with her and there for her through the whole experience. How sweet, loyal, and patient he was to be there. I guess they just fell in love.

"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind. Therefore the winged Cupid is painted blind."
I must admit I feel blind sometimes. With all these stories my friends have, some happy some not, I feel as though I cannot figure this complex love out. Yes, I'm aware no one has yet, not even Shakespeare. But there are times when I think it's simple and I've got it figured out and then something happens that completely changes my mind. I think of all my friends, I am the most screwed up. I believe it is me who has the most problems...Maybe I'm just completely ridiculous and immature in my views on love, or maybe that's just it. Maybe I should just be content with not knowing what it is or how to find it. That's very scary though...to not know what to look for and then when you think you find it, theres always that voice in your mind that says "what if this isn't real?" Maybe when I DO find love that voice won't be there...or maybe that's juts my immaturity sinking through...maybe I just need to get over those thoughts and go with the flow anyway...maybe it's even Satan? Who knows! I know I don't. I hope I figure it out...

If not, I guess that's just the way it's supposed to be.

I do have one last question though...was shakespeare really this knowledgable about love or was he just making this stuff up as he went along to torture poor, curious minds like mine???

My Best Friend, Chester Cheeto, and Global Warming

Indeed I do realize that it is 11:38 at night and I have school in the morning, but things have been whirling around in my mind all night and I do not think I can sleep without putting them into writing.

Friends are amazing. One in particular that i could not survive high school without. Her and I have practically become one person, as we were talking about earlier. A simple phone call that was supposed to only last a few minutes turned into 53 minutes of chattering and complaining and laughing. This is the friend that I can always count on to help me out or just listen to my selfish, dramatic, stupid venting. And I do the same for her. A night that was supposed to just be us hanging out and maybe watching a movie can turn into a midnight run to wal mart to buy plain white shoes or v necks so we can draw and paint on them. (yes that has actually happened several times). We go to each other because we know the other will understand and listen and give advice without getting angry, upset, or judgmental. And if someone talks bad about the other in front of one of us, God help that unfortunate gossiper. I love that crazy, spunky, quirky, loud, hilarious girl to death. You know who you are :)

Another thing that has been on my mind is a quote I saw as I was perusing my facebook page. One of my friends that I actually don't talk to hardly ever has a picture that has a quote on it that says this: "A friend will buy you a pregnancy test, but a best friend will be standing outside the bathroom saying name it after me!!!"

and I found myself saying, "ummmm no, a best friend will be saying why the H*#@!% didn't you use a condom!"

Just a random thought I figured I'd share. For some reason that quote really bothered me.

One of my good friends (not the one I spoke about in the second paragraph, but a good good friend I would be extremely sad to see go) and I were talking. I saw a sign after taking a drink f a water fountain that said, "This fountain is to be used only for drinking". and I thought to myself, "what else has this fountain been used for?!" and that got us talking about how I should just spring for a water bottle and I told her I spent my last dollar on cheetos. For some reason that actually frightens me is we then found ourselves talking about what snack food character we would want to marry. She thought chester cheeto would be a good one. I disagreed saying his ego got in the way of his charm. I always liked Mr. Peanut. You know, the spiffy peanut in the tux and top hat. But apparently he's gay (as Phoebe from "Friends" would say). We came to an agreement that Gumby would be an ideal choice. This is the kind of things my friends and I talk about...wow.

On a deeper level (HA), In astronomy today we learned about the atmosphere and what it's comprised of. I learned something that scares me quite a bit. If the atmosphere rises 5 degrees in temperature, Antarctica will begin to melt. That could flood every single coastal city! How extremely horrifying and unnerving is that?! New York City alone has about 8.3 million people by itself! All those people will have to move farther inland. Have you any idea how crowded our nation and other nations will be if every coastal city floods?!

Not only that, but surely not everyone will escape the horrors of drowning. I can only imagine how horrific it would be. The island nations in central America may very well disappear. How many lives will perish as a result of global warming....millions. And this is expected to occur within our lifetimes!!! I can only imagine...

It left me making plans to build another Noah's Ark.

Stephenie Meyer...Apparently One Mythical Creature Simply Isn't Enough For You

Ah Twilight. The interesting book series that turned into a disgusting obsession. I actually enjoy the movies, but the way girls today have completely idolized the books and movies is simply revolting. I knew a couple girls who had friends that dumped their boyfriends because they weren't like Edward. Revolting.

Don't get me wrong, a man like Edward would be exceptionally great... without the whole blood-sucking thing. He is sweet, affectionate, protective, mysterious, and, of course, very attractive. Those are good qualities correct? Now just subtract the blood-sucking and the whole I am going to grow old and you won't thing and he's a great guy to have around. For some odd reason...the idea of him wanting to kill you but resisting the almost irresistible temptation to is beautiful in a very creepy way. It's like Sweeney Todd. I love it, yet I can't come to figure out why...

I do wish that Bella wasn't portrayed as a weak, frail girl though. Now I know she's a human against vampires...that's very scary and yes, I would feel weak and frail against them too, but if you're throwing vampires and ware wolves together, It doesn't seem like such a stretch for Bella to kick some vampire butt too. I don't see why Edward and Jacob get to have all the fun. Plus in the second book, she goes through this adrenaline junky thing so she could see Edward again. What a stupid individual. Like honestly? We're gonna throw ourselves off of a cliff? That's awesome. Sounds like a plan to me. That was ridiculous. I would have enjoyed the movie much more if Bella hadn't turned into an IDIOT!

That's another thing I don't like. I was fine with the vampires but did we have to throw ware wolves in there? Again, don't get me wrong, Taylor Lautner makes an EXTREMELY attractive ware wolf and I'm not complaining that he had to spend the majority of the movie with his shirt off, but vampires PLUS ware wolves seems a bit extreme. I think Twilight turned into too much of a soap opra as the series continued. I could be perfectly happy with just the first two.

One moment I will always remember from New Moon was when Bella is doing that dumb adrenaline junky thing and riding the motorcycle and crashes into a rock. The part I'm going to remember is when Jacob rides over and takes off his shirt to wipe away the blood. That is a little strange and a little gross, but it shows that he did whatever he had to do to help her. Screw Edward! I'd go for Jacob. I'm sorry but when he got angry at the kid they went to the movie with, that was just endearing and attractive. Judge me if you wish, but that's my thoughts on the matter.

But all in all, Twilight has been grossly overstated. If I have to hear "What do you mean you aren't in love with Edward?!" one more time I'm going to throttle someone.

Sweeney Todd however...HOW CAN YOU NOT BE IN LOVE WITH ANTONY?!

;)

I feel you, Johanna,
I feel you.
I was half convinced I'd waken,
Satisfied enough to dream you.
Happily I was mistaken,
Johanna.
I'll steal you, Johanna,
I'll steal you.

I'll steal you, Johanna,
I'll steal you.
Do they think that walls could hide you?
Even now, I'm at your window.
I am in the dark beside you,
Buried sweetly in your yellow hair!
I feel you, Johanna,
And one day I'll steal you!
Til I'm with you then,
I'm with you there,
Sweetly buried in your yellow hair

-Antony from Sweeny Todd