Reality

Oh what a terrible word that is. Reality. If you were to ask me on any day of the week in any week of any year, is I prefer reality over a fairytale, I'd answer fairytale every time. In a fairytale, the good guy always wins. You're ensured of that. Not only are you promised that the good guy wins, but also that the guy gets the girl and vice versa. In reality, we're not so lucky.

I think people began fairy tales in order to provide an escape for those who feel the same about reality as I do. People saw how broken and imperfect the world is so they devised a way to make characters who seem real have extraordinary stories and happy ever afters. In case you didn't notice, all fairy tales end the same way basically, the prince marries the princess and they live "happily ever after." It doesn't show you ten years down the line when prince gets tired of princess and divorces her, or when princess meets handsome foot-soldier and has secret rendezvous with him that the prince knows nothing of. Something like the Notebook, where husband and wife are "taken" together and die next to each other...that's all fine and dandy and tear-jerking, but when has that actually happened? Never. It's closer to reality though. Now take Atonement with Keira Knightly and James McAvoy. Great Movie. Girl and guy know each other since childhood, sparks fly, the "make love" once in a library and then guy is falsely convicted of rape. He goes to prison, then to war, they meet only a couple times again before he dies of disease the day before his army is shipped back home and she drowns as a bomb attack bursts a water main. Much closer to reality then, say Snow White. But then again, who can love someone continuously for years without ever seeing the person? Not many, that's for sure. I suppose people can do it, but it takes a special two people and it's vastly difficult.

Now, look at the English Patient. Amazing movie. Brilliantly directed, acting superior, and storyline wonderfully tragic. A woman is married, meets a different man, falls in love with him, commits adultery on her husband repeatedly, husband finds out, crashes a plane with him and his wife on board, new guy carries badly injured woman for miles across desert in Africa until finally leaving her in a cave while he gets help. He walks for three days until finally finding help only to be locked up for being a German spy. When he finally escapes and returns to the cave, as promised, she's dead. He lives with that knowledge AND a burn that covers his entire body. He's burned so badly that he will never walk again, looks like a raisin, and needs morphine the rest of his life. He lives this way until he convinces a nurse to give him a deadly does of morphine. That's reality. Sad it may be, but it's reality.

I'm like most of you out there, I prefer Disney classics where "guy gets girl the end" is the ending of choice.

Wow...

I've been out of the country for a little while...I was in Jamaica on a mission trip.

At first, I did not want to go at all. I didn't think I was right for it. Being a missionary in a hot, impoverished, third-world country means you need to be rich in patience, like being sweaty and gross, working in teams to finish a task, and like meeting new people. All things I've never been good at.

I have never been good at having patience. Never. I like being clean and...well...not sweaty...I like to work by myself and get things done MY WAY, in an efficient manner, and I'm awkward and slow to meet new people. Not a great resume for being a missionary.

But wow did the people in Jamaica alter my attitude. There's not much I can say other than my attitude towards people, and my attitude towards my situation in life will never be the same.

Down there people have so little, it blew my mind. A family of seven can live in a house that's smaller than my bedroom. Kids who have nothing, including no parents, can be happy with a game of ring toss, consisting of a metal steak in the ground and empty duct tape rings. And women who have been abandoned by their families because of illness, whether it be physical or mental, can be happy with just a smiling face of a "whitie" from America.

One man who went on the trip with my group came to discussion with a story of a man in the infirmary he was talking to. The guy from our group asked this man what he likes to do during the day. The man said "I like to lay down, close my eyes, and listen for airplanes." My friend form the group returned with, "Oh? Are you interested in flying planes?" And the man said, "No, but I think that if I hear a plane it might be an American Friend coming to visit me."

How can one not be moved by that? These people sit in beds that reek of urine and watch the clock tick every single day of their lives, while flies infest their hair. It doesn't matter if you just sit there with them and not say anything. They just long for human touch. It's amazing how content they are with their nothingness.

More to come, but I must step out for a spell.

The Quest for an Explanation of Dreaming

Where does the mind go when we space out in class? Or when we daydream? Do we simply just go to sleep with out eyes open? Surely not, for our minds seem to move too quickly. Maybe we just drift into an alternate universe? No that's far too science fiction. I must say, this question confounds me. I've been thinking about it all day and I can't seem to find a logical answer.

"I think simply think with our subconscious. We begin thinking without really thinking," was the opinion of one of my friends. This doesn't seem like a satisfying answer...I think it leaves too many holes, physically and emotionally.

So what is the answer? I don't know. I suppose my opinion is that we actually enter the vast complexity that is our own subconcious. I think our minbds are so advanced that when we are thinkning with out own wit and conciously thinking about what goes through our minds, we're only accessing a part of the intelect and potential we have in our minds.

I've always wondered why it is that we sometimes forget what we have dreamed about. Maybe it's because we've seen things that are yet to come, or we've dreamt about major questions to life that go unanswered (such as just how far does the universe extend?) that God doesn't want us to know yet. Maybe we've thought thoughts while we dream that are just so advanced that we'd explode if we conciously thought about them!

...well that may be a bit extreme. But fact of the matter is, sub-conciousness and dreams continue to bewilder me.

I once had a dream that I was playing basketball on the moon with Pocahontas. How does that happen? How is that relevant to anything? It has to mean something. What does it mean? Well I have absolutely no idea. Pocahontas playing basketball on the moon...yeah good luck to whoever tries to figure THAT one out.

Another time, I had a dream that my subdivison was trapped by a dome that made it look like we were at the center of the sun, yet it wasn't any hotter than normal. I met a boy named Jeremiah who took me on a walk to the back of the subdivison. In place of all the houses was a forest. As we walked over a small bridge that led to a clearing in which Tumnis from Narnia started chucking daggers at us. ...what? And then a Sweedish Samuri army came to fight him off. Where am I getting this from? I'm not making this up, I swear! I must have had the most creeped out expression on my face as I slept.

The one dream that will ALWAYS stick with me, however, is one I had when I was maybe 8 or 9. I dreamt that robbers broke into my dad's house. They were after me. And instead of fighting for me, like I expected, and like I KNOW he would do in reality, he allowed them to take me. He waved as they carried me off! And right as I screamed, "Daddy" I woke up. Never going to forget that one. It was awful. You know how when you dream something that if you just randomly thought about during the day, it wouldn't seem like that big of a deal, but somehow is magnified and made 100 times worse in your dreams at night? That's what it was like. I woke up thinking, "wow that bothered me a lot more than it should have."

I know it may sound weird, but I have a weird dream EVERY night. I usually remember them, and could probably fill a book with the odd dreams I've had. (and I'm not "on something" I swear it) I don't know why I have the all the time. It's so strange and I want to know why.

I must discover where dreams come from. I must know where I'm getting all of this. I'll figure it out. Hopefully...

Until then, I guess I'll just keep dreaming abnormal dreams and spacing out in class.

Unwelcome

Why do we sometimes enter into situations knowing that, in the moment, it'll be great, but later on it will hurt us? That's a very befuddling question, isn't it. I have been dealing with a certain situation for a year now...it keeps popping back up every time I think I've defeated it. Now, I believe I HAVE defeated this problem.

Everytime this situation has reoccurred, the sudden and unexplained end of this situation has tormented me. It has puzzled me, saddened me, embittered me, and many other things that are pulsating through my mind too quickly for me to type. However,I did an experiment this time when this situation came up...yet again.

My experiment was the following: I conciously entered the situation again, not being able to specify the number of reoccurance it was, being as there have been too many in the past. I observed, remembered, recorded, and saved anything that is reoccuring and also the happenings new. I analyzed them.I analyzed them from a third party observer type viewpoint. This helped me greatly understand what was happening and make an opinion based on what was best for me, not what I wanted. And most importantly, I did whatever was necessary to remain indifferent. I failed and some points and succeeded in others, but ultimately I remaind unattached to this situation.

My experiment worked. Yes, the situation evaporated once again. In the past, this is the time when I'm unhappy, dejected, unapproachable, and aloof. But this time, by maintaining a [mostly] indifferent standpoint, I emerge from the problem unharmed, not caring, and glad that I know I've finally overcome something. I can't even explain to you how happy I am that I never again have to worry about this problem. If it comes back, it will be, for the first time, unwelcome.

The Vast Immaturity of High School Girls

Before I begin my frustrated ranting, I'd like to clear something up. I do not think myself any better than the people I will discuss in this blog. I'm immature as well, just in different aspects. Everyone is immature to one degree or another. But that is an entirely different topic all together.

Girls will torment other girls will stupid, petty problems that will never matter in the real world. They fight over boys, each other, wearing the same dress to a dance, or just bumping into another girl who happens to be on her period and moody.

GIRLS, we are ruining other people's childhoods by being stupid and petty!!! Get off of your high horse and calm down!

No matter how great you think this guy is that you're fighting over, he isn't. I don't care how funny he is, how many sweet text messages he sends you, how many times he holds your hand or tells you you're the only one. If you and your friend even have a chance to fight over him, he isn't forth the conflict!
When I say if you have a chance to fight over him, I mean one of three things. A. He gives you both special attention. This is deceptive and gross. It's borderline cheating. B. He likes only one of you, in which case the other friend has nothing to be mad over. And C. he likes neither one of you, in which case you're both being petty and need to stop.

Another thing we fight over is each other. Nothing is more ridiculous than one girl harassing another girl because the second girl is "stealing" the first girl's best friend. Come on. I think it goes without saying that this scenario is the pettiest thing you have ever heard. Your best friend can't have another best friend? Do we realize that that same concept is what triggered ethnic cleansing??? I mean really, I'm laughing right now thinking about how stupid it is when girls do this.

Again, I'm not saying I'm any better than these girls. Yes, I realize it sounds like it, but I'm mostly just angry that my poor friend, who is very mature for her age, has to deal with this kind of ridiculous behavior.

To the girl harassing my friend, get over yourself or deal with me. I suggest the former. I know my friend won't tell you to back off and leave her alone because she is too nice. I will be happy to step in and take on that responsibility even though maybe I shouldn't.

To the girl that is being "fought over", you really should have remidied this situation from the start by not being a gossip and judgemental. If you had a problem with my friend, you should have come to her.

To my friend, hang in there. I wish I could tell you that girls being petty ends eventually as we age, but from what I've seen and heard of, it doesn't get much better. Instead of "you stole my boyfriend" it turns into "you slept with my husband." Instead of "you stole my best friend" it'll be "you stole my nanny." I'm very sorry this has happened to you. All you can do is learn to choose your friends wisely. You'll always have me, my dear. I'll never do anything to cause you deliberate harm. Love ya! :)

"To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world."

A Big World

With so many souls in the world
How can any be the same?
After a grand count of the population
The idea of similar souls seems rather tame.

I don't know about you
But in my insignificant opinion
I'd rather live in dynamic freedom
Than a monotonous dominion.

A Journey I Didn't Ask For

As the rain smears the ink
On the sorrowful letter in my hands
I'm too dejected to even cry
So I stare down at the sands.

Maybe not the best place to be

On the beach in a rain storm

But what's another risky move

I've never been one to conform

Perhaps that's why I found myself here

In so much trouble with other people

Well, one in particular

The mere thought of him renders me feeble.

I thought that this was my escape

A college far away

But this letter ruined that hope

And now I'll have to stay

My only other option

Is the school that he attends

And now it's four more years

The smiles I'll give must be pretend.

My mother will be proud

She liked this college less

And now they won't allow me in

I wasn't good enough I guess.

Even if I don't see him much on campus

I'll know that he is there

And thats just bad enough

Almost too much nervousness to bear.

But I will have to endure

And be brave and try to ignore

I'm sure that I'll survive

Even if it proves a chore

I'm sure that I'll be fine

And prosper well enough

He'll have to come second to glee

I'll survive; I'm tough